FormulaV-JH495
05-03-2004, 17:51
net gevonden op AtlasF1.com :D
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My apologies to Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, and The Proclaimers, and all those who have been touched by their music. These fine musicians had a strong influence over my formative years, and I owe them much more than I could ever repay with mere cash. So don't sue me, you rich-arse bastards.
The scene: Melbourne, Friday afternoon, all the practise sessions for the day are well and truly over. David Coulthard, Nick Heidfeld, and Kimi Raikkonen front up for a press conference.
Journalist: "Kimi, rumour has it that in response to criticism that your press conferences are potentially a greater threat to Formula 1 TV ratings than Ferrari team orders, you've decided to overhaul your image. Tell me, is there any truth in th-"
<Kimi interrupts>
Kimi: "All right. Stop, Collaborate and listen - Ice is back with my brand new invention"
Journalist: "You're not the first driver to attempt to reinvent his public persona over the off-season. Apart from the fact that you appear to be dressed like a waiter and seem to be sporting a groovy flat-top haircut, what can you tell us about your attitude to racing this year?"
Kimi: "Something grabs a hold of me tightly, then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly."
Journalist: "Will it ever stop?"
Kimi: "Yo - I don't know. Turn off the lights, and I'll glow"
Journalist: "Riiiight. My next question is for Nick - is it true that you've had a stero installed in your Jordan?"
Nick: "My, my, my music hits me so hard, makes me say 'Oh my Lord'"
<Nick sneezes loudly>
Journalist: "Bless you!"
Nick: "Thank you, for blessing me"
Journalist: "Most welcome. So Nick, what's it like driving for Jordan?"
Nick: "It feels good, when you know you're down"
Journalist: "And how do you find Eddie Jordan?"
Nick: "A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown"
Journalist: "But surely this must seem like a step backwards for you - I mean, the only consolation must be the fact that Eddie invites only the hottest pitbabes into the Jordan entourage. Really, this drive is less about competitive racing and more about being a high-rolling playboy ladies' man"
Nick: "-and I'm known as such." <smug glance at Kimi> "And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch".
Kimi: "To the extreme I rock the mic like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!"
Nick: "I told you homeboy - you can't touch this"
<It suddenly dawns on Kimi that Nick is inferring that the ladies aren't exactly jumping all over him at McLaren, and his Finnish pride forces him to search for an example with which to prove the mulleted German wrong>
Kimi: "..the girlies on standby, Waving just to say 'Hi'.."
Journalist: "Did you stop?"
<Kimi hangs his head and mumbles quietly>
Kimi: "No - I just drove by"
Nick: "Yeah, that's how we living and you know you can't touch this"
Kimi: "I go crazy when I hear a cymbal, and a hi hat with a souped up tempo - I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo!"
Nick: "Look at my eyes, man - You can't touch this"
Kimi: "Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet - Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"
Nick: "Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics - You can't touch this"
Journalist: "So there's obviously a fierce rivalry that exists between you both even now. Do you think that this could pose a problem on the track this season, given the recent talk about backmarkers holding up frontrunners?"
Kimi: "If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it"
Journalist: "And Nick, if Kimi is coming up to lap you, what will you do?"
Nick: "Bust a few moves, run my fingers through my hair"
Journalist: "I see. Right. Ok. Moving right along then, David, we all know that this season is perhaps your last chance to win a championship for McLaren. Of course, first you have to beat your teammate - just how will you put the pressure back onto Kimi?"
<David looks at Kimi and grins evilly>
David: "When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you. When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you."
<Kimi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Either that or he's practising dance moves - it's hard to tell>
Journalist: "That's all well and good David, but what if you do something to your car, um, you know, uh.. I can't think of the phrase-"
Nick: "Break it down"
Journalist: "Thanks, Nick. David, what will need to be done to ensure less reliability problems at McLaren this year?"
Nick: "Stop. Hammer time."
Journalist: "Yes, thank you Nick - although I was asking David..."
Nick: "Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka."
Journalist: "David - if your McLaren breaks down on Sunday, what will it mean for your championship push?"
David: "I would walk 500 miles"
Journalist: "And if it broke down in the next race?"
David: "And I would walk 500 more"
<Long pause as everyone realises that this line of questioning could go on for a long time. Too long, in fact, to be interesting>
Journalist: "Thank you David, Kimi and Nick. Best of luck in Sunday's race to you all".
Kimi: "Yo man - Let's get out of here! Word to your mother!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My apologies to Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, and The Proclaimers, and all those who have been touched by their music. These fine musicians had a strong influence over my formative years, and I owe them much more than I could ever repay with mere cash. So don't sue me, you rich-arse bastards.
The scene: Melbourne, Friday afternoon, all the practise sessions for the day are well and truly over. David Coulthard, Nick Heidfeld, and Kimi Raikkonen front up for a press conference.
Journalist: "Kimi, rumour has it that in response to criticism that your press conferences are potentially a greater threat to Formula 1 TV ratings than Ferrari team orders, you've decided to overhaul your image. Tell me, is there any truth in th-"
<Kimi interrupts>
Kimi: "All right. Stop, Collaborate and listen - Ice is back with my brand new invention"
Journalist: "You're not the first driver to attempt to reinvent his public persona over the off-season. Apart from the fact that you appear to be dressed like a waiter and seem to be sporting a groovy flat-top haircut, what can you tell us about your attitude to racing this year?"
Kimi: "Something grabs a hold of me tightly, then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly."
Journalist: "Will it ever stop?"
Kimi: "Yo - I don't know. Turn off the lights, and I'll glow"
Journalist: "Riiiight. My next question is for Nick - is it true that you've had a stero installed in your Jordan?"
Nick: "My, my, my music hits me so hard, makes me say 'Oh my Lord'"
<Nick sneezes loudly>
Journalist: "Bless you!"
Nick: "Thank you, for blessing me"
Journalist: "Most welcome. So Nick, what's it like driving for Jordan?"
Nick: "It feels good, when you know you're down"
Journalist: "And how do you find Eddie Jordan?"
Nick: "A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown"
Journalist: "But surely this must seem like a step backwards for you - I mean, the only consolation must be the fact that Eddie invites only the hottest pitbabes into the Jordan entourage. Really, this drive is less about competitive racing and more about being a high-rolling playboy ladies' man"
Nick: "-and I'm known as such." <smug glance at Kimi> "And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch".
Kimi: "To the extreme I rock the mic like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!"
Nick: "I told you homeboy - you can't touch this"
<It suddenly dawns on Kimi that Nick is inferring that the ladies aren't exactly jumping all over him at McLaren, and his Finnish pride forces him to search for an example with which to prove the mulleted German wrong>
Kimi: "..the girlies on standby, Waving just to say 'Hi'.."
Journalist: "Did you stop?"
<Kimi hangs his head and mumbles quietly>
Kimi: "No - I just drove by"
Nick: "Yeah, that's how we living and you know you can't touch this"
Kimi: "I go crazy when I hear a cymbal, and a hi hat with a souped up tempo - I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo!"
Nick: "Look at my eyes, man - You can't touch this"
Kimi: "Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet - Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"
Nick: "Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics - You can't touch this"
Journalist: "So there's obviously a fierce rivalry that exists between you both even now. Do you think that this could pose a problem on the track this season, given the recent talk about backmarkers holding up frontrunners?"
Kimi: "If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it"
Journalist: "And Nick, if Kimi is coming up to lap you, what will you do?"
Nick: "Bust a few moves, run my fingers through my hair"
Journalist: "I see. Right. Ok. Moving right along then, David, we all know that this season is perhaps your last chance to win a championship for McLaren. Of course, first you have to beat your teammate - just how will you put the pressure back onto Kimi?"
<David looks at Kimi and grins evilly>
David: "When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you. When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you."
<Kimi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Either that or he's practising dance moves - it's hard to tell>
Journalist: "That's all well and good David, but what if you do something to your car, um, you know, uh.. I can't think of the phrase-"
Nick: "Break it down"
Journalist: "Thanks, Nick. David, what will need to be done to ensure less reliability problems at McLaren this year?"
Nick: "Stop. Hammer time."
Journalist: "Yes, thank you Nick - although I was asking David..."
Nick: "Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka."
Journalist: "David - if your McLaren breaks down on Sunday, what will it mean for your championship push?"
David: "I would walk 500 miles"
Journalist: "And if it broke down in the next race?"
David: "And I would walk 500 more"
<Long pause as everyone realises that this line of questioning could go on for a long time. Too long, in fact, to be interesting>
Journalist: "Thank you David, Kimi and Nick. Best of luck in Sunday's race to you all".
Kimi: "Yo man - Let's get out of here! Word to your mother!"